From One to Two – This Mama’s Fears
The 3rd trimester crept up on me.
As I start to countdown the weeks until baby on 2 hands, I find myself mixed with a variety of emotions. Excitement, anticipation, fear, sadness, regret, peace…the list goes on.
I know this is my last pregnancy and our last baby. I am at peace with that. It’s taken me a while to get here, but I am. Four is an even number. Two hands; two kids. Two sweet boys; best friends with everyone included. Full hearts and a family complete.
Pregnancy has been both amazing and terrifying for me, as it is for many. Turns out, I may suck at pregnancy. Luckily, I feel like I don’t suck at motherhood. The first, a miscarriage. The second, a beautiful baby boy growing with a Single Umbilical Artery leading to many extra appointments, measurements, and worry. The result was and continues to be our biggest blessing. The third, an ectopic pregnancy. The fourth, a rough first trimester and now 4+ weeks (and still going strong) of shingles ON MY BELLY. Oh, and I failed the 1-hour glucose test last week (so we’ll see how the 3-hour goes this week.) It hasn’t been smooth sailing and there have been many a trying moment.
All that said, I wouldn’t change one thing. I wouldn’t have my sweeter than sweet 3 year old boy whom I cherish; I may not have this strong of a marriage and connection to my soulmate and husband. I may not have found out I have Celiac Disease, which could’ve lead to loads of other health issues less manageable.
Everything is as it is meant to be, yet I cannot help but feel all the feels.
It’s more than just the typical “pregnancy hormone” kinda thing. It’s the life changing kind. The kind when you KNOW you are on the brink of a new and amazing (but, scary and unknown) life but you feel afraid and just not ready to let go of the one you already love. It’s heavy. Heavy stuff.
I’m excited to do it all again and to cherish every moment. To have the first followed by the last feels like such a blessing. I plan to drink up all of that sweet newborn goodness in large overflowing gulps. I’m excited to see Max in his new role as a big brother, to see Scott as a new Dad all over again, and to see what our love has created this time. My excitement abounds.
I’m anticipating who this little man is going to be. Should we stock up on tummy drops and pacis? Will he liked to be bounced on one knee on the edge of the bed? Will Zac Brown Band bring him to his happy place? We’ve been there. We can do that. But what if he is totally different than our first? Will we figure it out? Will #1 understand if we’re struggling with #2 and still love us through it? How, oh how, will we balance it all?
The fears. OH the fears. I am fearing more food allergies and/or dreaded Celiac Disease (kiddo has a 1/5 chance, thanks to his Mama). I, for one, am paranoid I’m going to forget how to do the normal, everyday things. Nurse, swaddle, bathe…will it all come back? Don’t say “it’s like riding a bike,” because I’m that adult who did not pick up riding a bike like, well, “riding a bike.” I’m also fearful that Max will feel slighted, left out, less loved. I can’t even expand on those thoughts without melting into a puddle of tears. I know my love for him will only grow – but how do I make sure he knows that through the depths of his soul?
Sadness. I’m sad already. Sad that this is my last pregnancy. Sad that this is the last time I will feel a baby kick inside of me. Hear someone else’s heartbeat along with my own. Be a living, breathing home for another living, breathing, growing miracle. Sad that a chapter of my life will be over, while knowing that another beautiful chapter will begin. Life comes in seasons and the leaves are starting to fall. The sadness doesn’t stop there there. I’m sad that I have to share my love for our first with our second. Sad that I won’t get as much time with him, hugs from him…that I may start to miss out on even the smallest of moments.
I’ve complained too much. I regret not being more gracious and thankful for this gift from God, even when times have been tough. So I am in pain, so what? It can always be worse. My complaining and self-pity NEVER aligned with being ungrateful or not recognizing the miracle of my ever growing belly. I did not document this boy as much or as well. At times, I admit, I forgot I was pregnant. Lots of hand-me-downs and recycled items have this baby boy’s name on them (whatever that may be!), even though we will not love him any less. Equal time was not given in thoughts, photos, or preparation. I regret there are not more hours in the day and money in my pocket.
All in all, though, I feel peace. Peace from within that this boy will complete our family and make us whole. That this impending family of four is just how we’re meant. That this new season of our lives will bring new and different excitement and challenges and level of love. That having a sibling will only enhance Max’s life and our ability as parents. I am the luckiest of lucky with the best husband in the world and an awesome family. I know we will get through it all together and that our lives will only be enriched with even more love.
Going from being a mama of one to two is a dream come true and I have faith that all of the rest will fall into place. I look forward to looking back at this post when baby boy #2 is 6 months old or so and feeling more at ease and confident with how we’ve done and what is to come.
“If nothing ever changed, there’d be no butterflies.”